.::discover::understand::be::.

finding my center...again.

in a lot of ways i've grown a so much since i first met Jesus. yet there are snapshots that God gives me that make me fully aware that i've got a long long way to go.

i had a snapshot this past sunday night.

here is the back story... i've been following Jesus for 9 years and there has been a passage of scripture that has been a staple in my life during that time.

i pray it. i pray it for myself, for my wife and my kids, for my friends, for the students i lead, and for the church community that i am a part of.

i am inspired by it. i'm inspired to be a God-centered husband, to be a father that loves and cares for his children with the kind of love that our heavenly father pours on us, inspired to lead a generation of students to fall in love with a God who has so much more in store for them that they can even fathom, inspired to be centered on Jesus that nothing can rattle my faith.

i share it. i share it with my kids, with strangers, with the students. it seems that i have probably shared it in a teaching or a public talk at least 100 times. it always seemed to creep into evrything that i read, thought, or believed.

i am challenged by it. challenged by the idea that God has plans for me, an imperfect selfish person like me. i am challenged by the humility in which it was written...all for God not for me. i am challenged by the call to give all "glory to God", because i far to often want all "glory be to nate."

i abandoned it 6 months ago.

i stopped reading it because some people close to me mocked me for always "doing that ephesians thing". up until that moment i felt like everytime i shared that passage people were challenged and inspired. i felt God's presence in my life when i'd pray it. i thought it was a scipture my life was to be built around. a personal calling if you will. but when i heard those words of mockery and joke, i felt my soul shrink. i thought of all the time i had spend with that scripture, all the talks, all the challenges... all the laughing behind my back. i shrunk away from the very thing that God had used so much to mold my spirit to be like Him. all because i wanted to be affirmed by men.

i stopped reading it everyday, i stopped praying it, i stopped being inspired by it, sharing it, and finding no challenge in it. it seemed as if maybe now i had "outgrown" it. maybe now it had been used too much and too often that it had lost it's luster, it's punch, it's ability to draw people closer to the Living God. as i look back over the past 8 months, i can see how slightly my spirit has become critical, how my vison of what God wants to do is shrinking,and how my desire and my inspiration to serve the God of the Angel Armies is ever so slighlty moving towards a task.

i can't handle it anymore. and it was made quite obvious to me sunday night, that God can't handle me like this anymore either.

during :cession sunday night (the senior high community) i was worshipping and getting ready to share with the students. up until that moment i was frustrated by the turn out, by the attitudes, by that growing disease of apathy that has infested our people. i asked God to "cleanse my heart God, to take away the angst that is filling my soul. i just wish they would get it, i wish they ould understand how much You care for them." as i prayed that i relaxed my body. i was kneeling by the sound board off to the side of the students. i felt the weight of my body fall on my knees as i relaxed. the pressure in my knees was so great that i thought my knee caps were about to explode through the skin. and in that moment... the scripture, my old friend, rang in my ears.

the wreslting that followed was fast and furious. in the blink of an eye, a series of flashbacks played in my head at a feverish pace. conversations, contemplations, frustrations, thoughts and emotions all rolled together like a spool of twine. i pulled out my bible and turned directly to my passage. as i read it, i felt like i was reading it again for the first time. irony would have it that a few months back i had to get a new bible because my old one was leterally falling apart at the seems, or i guess spine. so as i looked at it... it was pure. it had never been read. it was alive and jumping off the page. tears filled my eyes as my emotions began to run back and forth between guilt and elation, between emptiness and joy, and of course... inspiration and challenge.

i owed the students an apology. i owe my family an apology. i owed my God an apology. an apology for letting the words of man pull me from the words of God. for letting my soul shrink because i wanted to be seen in a way of my desire, not in a way of God's desire.

i again am committing myself to read and pray this daily and i don't give a flick who mocks me or calls me simple or sappy. this scripture is my center. my soul and those around me need me here. i won't walk away again.


"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen."


when i read this i realize how much i've grown since i first read it 9 years ago. and when i read it i can tell how far i've got to go.


on my knees,
n8

posted by nathan sean @ Friday, March 18, 2005