.::discover::understand::be::.

journal entry 5.2.05

the great pressure of conflict builds in my spirit.
it keeps me awake at night,
it clouds my thoughts in the day.
it is a battle that rages to claim ownership of my heart;
a battle between the doubt and insecurity,
and the confidence and assurance.

they both call out to my ear,
my head spins with indecision on which to decipher.

i stand still in the moment.
paralyzed by fear,
frozen by potential.

so i wait on God.

Your timing will be perfect.
Your call will come;
quietly and softly, clear and loud.
gentle like the fuzzy coat of a baby chick
bold like the roar of a lion.
in that moment the heart claim of ownership will be yours.
yours again.

so i wait on You, God.

i know your answers will come.
for You know the real questions that swirl in my heart,
and the questions i have yet to ask.
you know the true reason for the restlessness of my spirit,
and the restlessness i have yet to feel.
you know the selfish desires that call my will to wrestle with yours,
and the selfish desires waiting to call me to the mat again.

so i wait on You, O God.

when i hear Your voice, i will strike with confidence.
bold and courageous,
assured of Your power.
assured with Your voice.
assured by Your promise.

for it is Your will that shall conquer mine,
and Your ways that win out.

my restless spirit replaced;
replaced by a powerful peace.

my spirit sits at the end of the dock,
looking across a calm, glasslike lake
on the dawn of a new day.

my heart now that sits between the anticipation of what's to come,
and the comfort of what is now.

i wait on God.

the questions of my heart will be answered by a simple embrace.

as Your arms wrap around me,
i feel confidence come over me.
Your brute strength and Your passionate tenderness pull me close.
with each squeeze you pull me closer to You,
until my head rests firmly on Your chest.

in an instant,
all the questions; moot.
all the restlessness; irrelevant.
all the wrestling; match over.

i wait on You, God.

i wait empty.
i wait void.
but i wait in joy.
for i have confidence that the Great Answer in coming.

You answer in love;
for Your answer is love.

You answer in peace;
for Your answer is peace.

You answer in truth;
for Your answer is truth.

i wait on You O God.

my heart in confusion.
my spirit in turmoil.
my body paralyzed.

my arms open.

please God, embrace me.

posted by nathan sean @ Friday, May 06, 2005