.::discover::understand::be::.

oh to have vision

i had a pretty good weekend. i needed to just rest and for the most part i did. the kids went to stay with nanna and umpa, so jenn and i got to hang loose.

we didn't really do anything monumental, except, like i mentioned, rest. and i suppose for me that can be monumental.

we did discuss our future off and on all weekend. the future of cession, the future of moto, the future of surf city, the future of watermark, the future of our family, etc. etc.

andy stanley wrote, and i paraphrase, "everybody in life ends up somewhere, some people just end up there on purpose." i want to end up "there" on purpose.

for the most part, i know what i want to be about in life. i know my gifts, my talents, the things i do well, the things i don't. i know what i want the result of my life to be, ya know the legacy type stuff, the "how do you want to be remembered?" thing. but i often struggle with the reality of it all. i mean how does what i'm doing now help me get to "there". i really don't know if i'll ever know what that looks like. i don't know if you can put it into a job description or a mission statement or a strategy. i don't know if what i'm doing now helps me be what God wants for me or if i'm creating a man made world of personal achievement. it is a constant struggle between my desire for self "achievement" and my desire to be a "good and faithful" servant.

sometimes i love that struggle. it drives me to want more God. to dream big dreams. to cast my rationale aside in the pursuit of His Kingdom. other times i find it paralyzing. i am so overwhelmed by the opportunity and responsibility that is right before me, that i freeze. literally and figuratively. literally...i can't write thoughts, lead meetings, contribute to conversations, read books. figuratively...i feel insignificant, not worth following, or talking with or listening to. i feel like the open internet connection of communication with my Creator is rebuffering and i'm waiting and waiting because i still have dial up.

right now i'm in between those two places. kinda frozen, kinda free.

i guess the tension i feel is that the future, my future, is barrelling at me full throttle and i've got choices to make.

choices that determine if i end up "there" on purpose.

posted by nathan sean @ Monday, August 15, 2005