inside my head... working things out
when i want something so bad for someone else it hurts me when they don't get it. sometimes it hurts me more than it hurts them.
the pain is even deeper when they don't see that they need it or deserve it.
God has allowed me the amazing gift of feeling people's emotions and seeing more than what is on the surface. i often neglect to see this as a gift and choose to see it as a curse because it brings me much pain and burden. i have even gone as far to say that i hate the gift that God has for me. when i say that is sounds so loud.
why would i hate what God has for me?
because.
because being refined into Christ's image can be difficult.
because being restored to my original creation requires that i deal with sin in my life.
and in this case, the sin of selfishness.
feeling other people's burdens is real.
feeling their pain or disappointment is real.
feeling their search for peace and understanding and acceptance is real.
it is all real.
when i feel this it becomes more than just
theirs... it becomes
mine. but, it is sin to keep it as just
mine, or even more so, to leave it as just
theirs.
i need to let it become ours. i like to keep things as
theirs or
mine, but rarely do i move the pain and angst to
ours. i need to view it that way. as "ours" we can work on things together. i suppose i need to get off my arse and get involved in the pain i feel.
i need to start making it ours. this is nothing new. but in many ways it is new to me in a different way.
i'm not just talking about helping people.
i think i'm feeling something.
something bigger,
something deeper,
something richer,
something closer to restoration.
for me.
and for you.
buck an ear?
Isn’t that an intimidating logo? It strikes fear in the hearts of all whose eyes dwell upon it. It represents aggression and anger and big, hairy, smelly, drunken pirates. Ironic that it is the logo for the lakeshore middle school buccaneers. We don’t seem to fit it all that well. Let’s take a look…
“strike fear”… not likely. We show up on the field with three different styles of jerseys. The only thing in common is that they are navy blue with yellow numbers. Some have stripes on the sleeves, some say grand haven across the front, some have numbers so faded that it looks like the poor kid just got done rolling in a field of dandelions. Our pants, well, many are sagging off the butt like we are back up singers for mc hammer. Oh no… those aren’t white stripes on the yellow pants… that would be tape holding the pads in place. We are a high class looking bunch. I guess in some ways it does look like we have been at sea for 6 months.
“aggression”… let me just say that last year our biggest and strongest kid had a “tenderness” problem. He would destroy the guy across from him in drills, knocking them back a good five yards. Then, he would gently pick them up from the heap he had left them in and HUG them. Yes HUG THEM. We threatened to lock him in a room for 24 hours straight and making him watch “brave heart” over and over. And that was last year. This year I’ve seen more tears that a roomful of ladies watching “beaches”. I know football hurts, we have had plenty of hits and injuries that would/could justify tears. But should a 13 year old boy cry because he can’t get his hip pads in?
“anger”… the only anger I ever sense is from the ids who don’t want to practice because it is raining. Also, see aggression.
“big”… we are a small team. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about size. So kids have it some don’t. but why is it that the smallest kids seem to play like they are 330lbs. and the bigger kids play like they are carrying a dozen eggs in their pockets.
“hairy”… not really. Some sport the ever popular 7th grade peach fuzz. And we do live in a beachy summer town so many have hair that looks like they just jumped off of a ron jon poster.
“smelly”… now we’ve got this one down. Our locker room has the most… well, let’s say… interesting aromas. I like to refer to it as the smell of puberty. It is 3 parts pungent body odor. (Yah know, the kind that makes your nose wrinkle uncontrollably.) 2 parts dirty sweaty practice clothes. (because why in the world would you want to have it washed?) 1 part junior high guy fart. (not just your regular fart, this one has been wafted around the locker room by four guys who wish they had done it) and finally two parts axe deodorant spray. (it always seem like middle-school guys think the best way to smell nice is to cover up the stench with a powerful spicy-musky smell.)
“drunken”… I sure hope not.
Like I said, we don’t really fit the buccaneer profile. Now, some of the parents? That would be a different story.
Any who… I love coaching. To me it is so much more than football so much more than being a “buc”.
brackets and blogs (cont.)
ok... so there are even more things i'd like to share, more thoughts that i need to get out, but i have this somewhat strange feeling of duty to finish up the thoughts from the last post. maybe i shouldn't say "finish the thoughts" as much as i should say "finish the quotes". so here is the next few paragraphs...
"the one holy church of the creed is also "apostolic", which for some refers to a belief that they alone can trace their lineage back to one of the original 12 apostles. this belief has often fueled yet another kind of elitism that has undermined the
one and
catholic ideals of the creed in a way that is hardly holy in any sense of the word. but there is a more catholic understanding of the term
apostolic: it means
missional. the apostles were those called together to learn (as disciples) so they could be sent out on a mission (which is what both the greek root for apostle and the latin root for mission mean)."
ok... ok... don't stop reading yet. i know that is a mouthful of wordy words, but what it is saying is that the words of this creed call us all, (all churches, all denominations, all believers) to believe in and to be unified with a purpose. to be one. but we in our puruit of being right and elite have turned it all around. we have become fragmented and known for the different ways we believe. (we believe in infant baptism, we believe once saved always saved, we believe dancing is sin, we believe that john the baptist wore an earring) not only have we twisted the unity, but the missional part if the church is almost non-existent. we get together in our holy huddles so we can be safe from the world, away from the evil influences that it may spring apon us. that is wack!! the world should be preparing for God's holy people to unleash the goodness and love of our Creator on it. but we don't think this way or believe this way. here is the final paragraph...
"from this vantage point, disciples are apostles-in-training; christian discipleship (or spiritual formation) is training for apostleship, training for a mission.
from this understanding we place less emphasis on whose lineage, rites, doctrines, structures, and terminology are right and more emphasis on whose actions, service, outreach, kindness, and effectiveness are good.in a missional/apostolic approach to christianity, every component of our faith (worship, liturgy, creeds, theology, fellowship, spiritual formation, religious education, publishing, etc.) though in itself valid and valuable, must lead to good works, good lives, good creativity, and goodness to help our world get back on the road to being truly and wholly good again, the way God created it to be."
i believe in that kind of church. i want to be that kind of church. i know the church is splintered by beliefs and practices but the aren't things that should splinter us. the love and mission of God to bring wholeness back to His creation is way more powerful than what we think about dancing or drinking.
we must be defined by God's character in us and our practices in the world, not by our unique interpretations or confidence in being right.this is something that hits hard on my heart. the genmark team is in dialogue right now with another community of believers about "teaming up" to do ministry to middle school students. on the surface it looks like a "i'll scratch your back, you scratch mine" kind of deal. but to me...there is something greater going on. i feel like we have an opportunity to begin seeing this type of apostolic/missional community of faith.
two different denominations, coming together under Christ's call, to usher in God's goodness to the middle school students of grand haven. this is the church.
this is the church that i would die for. in some ways it makes me sad that we find unifying two youth groups an ok risk to take, when we are to scared and lack the courage to see this happen in our adult communities. can you imagine what would happen if two churches in grand haven united not just in words but in heart, not just in theory but in practice for the sole purpose of ushering in the goodness of God? grand haven would notice. but one step at a time... i guess.
sorry for the long rant but this has been consuming my heart for a long time.
in His grip.
n8
brackets and blogs
so yesterday i am re-reading a book that has really challenged and inspired me. as i am reading i am looking at all the scribbles and underlines that have marked up the pages. asking myself "why did i underline that?", "what does this scribble mean?" etc. etc. then i noticed along the side of a bracketed section the word "blog". i had forgotten how often i read things and want to share them. my books are full of brackets and blog, brackets and blog, blog and brackets...
ya see, my intention is that i comment on these thoughts in my blog, but i rarely get to it. so i think for a while i may just pull out some excerpts that i have "bracketed" but never blogged. i may or may not comment. but this will give you a listening ear to "the voices on the journey" that i listen to.
here is the excerpt that i found yesterday...
this is in an explantation or maybe an understanding of the
nicene creed.
""We belive in one...church," the creed says and that is no easy-to-swallow statement because we are surrounded by denominations, divisions, arguments, grand polemics, and petty squabbles. That's where the "we believe" part comes in:
you can only know the unity of the church by believing it, not by seeing it. When you believe it, you can see through the surface dirt and cracks to the beauty and unity shining beneath. Generous orthodoxy presumes that the divisions, though tragic, are superficial compared to Christianity's deep. though often unappreciated, unity. Perhaps the more we belive in and percieve that unity, the easier it will be to move beyound the disunity.
To call the Christian church "holy" is to say something about its purpose, not its behavior at any given moment. The word
church means
those called out.
Holy means
devoted to a sacred purpose.
Thus, the church is a community of people called out from the profane rush and secular hassle of life to be devoted to a sacred purpose."
that is enough to chew on for now. (the next few paragraphs are great and will follow soon) (oh,i added my own emphasis in bold, it is not in the text.)
my God at large this week...
i have missed blogging. mainly because when i blog that means i have a few minutes to stop and think. those times are becomming rare in this season. don't get thye wrong idea, things are sailing along and it has been a pure joy to be a part of it. God's movement that is. He has been very visable to me as of late.
::football practice:: i feel His direction on the field. not so much on a lazer 3 trap, but in the way i am looking at the players and coaches. i am trying to encourage and lift up some of the guys who come from a less stable home, or the guys who are feeling down about thier ability or having some off the field problems. earlier this week i had a chance to chat with one of the eighth grade players whose parents are getting divorced. the pain was all over his face. the chaos was fresh. for him football is a 2 hour distraction from the mess of things at home. and i get to be a part of that? i feel humbled. i feel challenged. i feel heart break. but most of all i feel an incredible love for him. that is God at work.
::cession:: cession is our senior high community. we have shifted gears this fall. we met in homes this past sunday instead of doing a large gathering. it can be a little scary because we as a team are relying on God to build community within the groups. very little programming. very little structure. a whole lot of hope and faith. friday we found out that many of the students who were core students at cession were all goig to be out of town to a cottage. this had a huge impact on the guys house. we automatically dropped 5 guys at my house. i was anxious and frustrated that they were going to miss. i knew we were going to have several guys come hang with us who had never been before. all i could envision was me looking at a few guys twiddling my thumbs. but my plans are so futile when lined up to God's purpose. when 5pm sunday came around, we had the best group of guys. we had a blast and they were all very excited about the vision for element:cession. i could feel a deep desire from the guys to build something special. to create a space where they could be themselves with no strings attached, with no expectations, no rules of engagment, but with that comes a place with no boundries and no limits. in a space like that God thrives. God'd purpose will prevail despite the plans of man. (i think i read that somewhere?)
::personal:: two years ago i had a vision from God. i mean like a real, "this is wierd" kinda vision. i have not really shared this before, but i had a very strong image and words that came to me during a time of extended prayer. i have been recalling this image and praying about these words in great anticipation ever since. i have been trying to figure out what they meant. what was next for me. much of the past years have been a time of waiting, a time of wonder. i think i'm starting to see the beginning of what they might mean. several weeks ago, out of the blue, i felt God's spirit hit me in the middle of a conversation. all of a sudden things clicked. i am far from finding a meaning to this but i have been greaty affirmed that i am moving forward. the journey continues...
::friends:: God has been burning me in a lot of relationships as of late. not burn as in hurting, but burn as in getting rid of things that are roadblocks to a freedom within the relationship. the thing that sucks is that in this kind of "burning away the chaffe" it can hurt. and it has. i am seeing several old relationships in new light, with new perspectives, and some new hurts. but i guess that is the way God works. i feel like the kid who stole a pack of gum from meijer and his dad makes him bring it back for the punishment and the growth. it sucks, but in time as i mature i will appreciate it. i may not understand it, but i will be more of who i am suppose to be through it. but it can be painful.
hey can you give me some grace on the spelling. i don't have time to spell check... and you know i have trouble spelling kat. so all of you spelling types please send me some grace.
shalom.
a quick little post
i want to blog and spew a heap of the thinks i thinked and observations i observed this weekend. the weekend was packed with insightful experiences. working on a roof. michigan football game. shopping for some back to school gear. a trip to walmart for a bubba keg. a few episodes of "house". a mini-golf outing. hung out with some students. fantasy football draft. surprise birthday party for wallace (the big 30). the first day of school. so many thoughts... so little time. many are recorded in my journal. some may end up here, many won't...
i'd love to share them all but i am feeling a little pressure with the "launch" of a new year nipping at my heels. even with the pressure, the stress, the expectations, the blah blah blahs... i am excited about this year. i am not feeling overwhelmed by the schedule, the people i disappoint, the looming deadlines, the unanswered questions...
i am truly expierencing shalom. wierd? i know...but i love it.
one final thought... my kids and my wife are the greatest. they make me laugh. they make me cry joyfully. they pull out emotion and love from places of my heart that i forget excists. i know i am partial but i don't care! i am so proud to say that dakota, sydney, and ryder are a part of my family. i am so humbled that God would entrust the kids to jenn and i. i am truly whole with jenn. i could never be me without her.
anyway... i'm out.
the search discovered
jenn and i have many good friends who are not followers of Jesus.
some would say they are "christians", but it is more of a cultural belief thing than a belief of the heart. some have no desire to follow anything other than the god of self. and a few others,well...they are simply in a perpetual state of conscious rebellion.
what ever the case, what ever the reason, it doesn't really matter,
EVERYONE is looking for Jesus. many of them just don't know it. and ya know what? i think for some of them it's ok not to know yet.
it doesn't mean that they aren't looking even if they don't know what they are looking for.many people would argue and say that i am being arrogant and narrow minded by saying everyone is searching for Jesus. or maybe you could say that i give people too much credit in reguards to the journey they are on - that i need to show them the wrongful and sinful choices they make and tell them about a damning and vengeful God.
i'm sorry but i don't roll that way.
and i don't take sin as a light issue either.
but to stay with my thought...
everyone is looking for something. some look for comfort. some for meaning or purpose or peace or value or acceptance or whatever. everyone is looking for something. not a new thought there right? but as the church, we have for so long tried to get people to start looking for God. that doesn't seem like a bad thing. as a matter of fact i have given my life to that. but i am realizing more that getting people to stop looking for __________ and to start looking for God is making work out of something that is aready going on.
let me say this agian,
EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR JESUS.Jesus is original creation. Jesus is salvation. Jesus IS heaven.
i know those statements may not make sense right now, but think about them a little while.
all of my friends are seeking after Jesus. they just don't know it. my call is not so much to get them to stop searching in they way they have chosen,(drugs, power, sex, unhealthy relationships... sin) but to help them realize that the real desire of their search... is Jesus. Jesus will rid out the sin.
For the love that is in original creation, the love that is on the cross, and the love that resides in heaven, is the same love that rules our hearts through Jesus.
and in a heart like that, sin has no room to dwell.
